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Is Perfectionism in our DNA?
Lindsay Harris • November 13, 2023
Some of us wear it like a badge of honor. Some of us are in an endless cycle of striving and feeling inferior because of the standard the badge-wearers create. Some of us have no desire to join the club and, instead, embrace the messiness that IS life.
Regardless of where you find yourself, perfectionism directly affects you. It’s all around you, if not embedded inside you.
My 7-year-old is a pro at expressing her feelings. Recently, as we were getting ready for bed, she turned to me and said, “Mommy, I feel like I have to be perfect.”
I asked her to say more about that.
“I get really sad and angry when I make mistakes.”
I asked her where she feels like her need to be perfect comes from—fully expecting her to say that our parenting makes her feel that way. I even asked this directly. And she said, “No.”
“I think I make myself think I have to be perfect.”
FRIENDS.
This shocked and shattered me. Now, granted, I will be reflecting on my parenting, as I do believe I have some tendencies that likely influence her, even if indirectly.
Even if subtly.
Even if she doesn’t realize it.
Can you believe how early this starts? Some of my fellow perfectionists are nodding furiously. Perfectionism has become so ingrained in our culture that studies link it to depression, discontent, and burnout. In fact, a survey by Linkagoal found that 31% of adults seriously struggle with the fear of failure—the antithesis of perfectionism. That’s a larger percentage than those who fear spiders!
My daughter quickly disengaged from our conversation and turned back to the movie we were watching. I had so many things to ask her—to say. But I knew the window had closed. At least in that moment.
So I’ll type this LOUDLY today, as it's applicable no matter your age.
MISTAKES ARE NECESSARY.
Without them, we wouldn’t fully develop our potential as people and leaders. In fact, let’s be cautious with the word “mistakes.”
Today, let’s call them “deviations.”
Our mistakes are actually “deviations” from our anticipated outcome.
What if, instead of judging ourselves when we encounter these deviations, we embodied a spirit of
curiosity? What if, with as little blame and self-criticism as possible, we ask ourselves:
- How does this generate growth?
- How can this build strength?
- How can I allow this moment to lead to new conversations, questions, reflections, and opportunities to explore different perspectives?
If not for my many “deviations” over the last 20 years, I wouldn’t have half the insights I have now to champion and support other leaders. I’ve asked these questions of myself; I’ve also walked alongside others in their curiosity and consideration of their own deviations. Both have taught me valuable lessons.
So, let's take a deep breath and redefine our “mistakes.” If you’re a leader, it’s especially important to set an example for those you influence. Demonstrate to your team that it’s okay to veer off course now and then—and that what we learn in those moments is just as critical. In doing so, you’ll create psychological safety, establish a more solid foundation of trust, and build deeper, more productive professional relationships.
In the long run, these not-so-perfect moments?
They're going to be the stories we tell, the lessons we share.
So, today…
May you embrace the disappointment, let go of the fear, and shift toward curiosity.
May you breathe deeply and accept the chance to GROW.
May you reflect these practices to others in our charge and model safety, solace, and solutions.
And may you realize that, further along in the journey, you’ll “wear” these moments as badges of “been-there, grew-through-that,” that will remind you of all you’ve learned—and inspire those you love and lead.
Deviate with delight today, my friends. And I’ll fill you in when my conversation continues.
About Lindsay Harris and Leader Haven:
A Positive Intelligence Coach(TM) and Certified Working Genius Facilitator, Lindsay established Leader Haven to help leaders rediscover joy and dismantle dysfunction. An acclaimed speaker and coach, Lindsay finds her joy and energy sharing tools and expertise that increase productivity, give teams renewed trust and collaboration, and empower leaders with confidence, hope, and fulfillment.
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